Throwing Like a Girl

At this time tomorrow, Tarica and I will be setting up house inside the walls of Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh.

I feel as taut as a piano wire.

Last night, I read and reread that familiar verse, trying to saturate myself in its truth: “Casting all your care upon him, for he careth for you.” (1 Peter 5:7)

Throw all your anxiety on the Lord, Stephanie.

I’m trying, I’m trying, but it keeps falling short of its goal.

Stress has always robbed me of my sleep and my appetite. But I actually slept last night—except for a brief, wakeful watch in the hour of three—and that is a minor miracle. Now I just have to get through breakfast, lunch, and supper.

Tarica is looking forward to her hospital stay, but I suspect that has something to do with the air of Christmas around here. Such a sneaking around with mysterious parcels and boxes she isn’t allowed to open and packages arriving in the mail. It’s enough to drive any little girl into spasms of curiosity.

But she doesn’t have enough spasms otherwise.

My husband is an appliance repairman. He has lost count of the times he has gone out to a customer with a clunking washer or leaking dishwasher that runs beautifully while he, the repairman, is there. And haven’t you done this, too? You finally set up that doctor appointment, but the symptoms eased or disappeared shortly before you got there.

Despite having her medication cut in half, Tarica isn’t seizing enough, and tomorrow she is to be hospitalized to study her seizures.

It’s embarrassing to admit how much this worries me. What if she doesn’t seize enough for the doctors to locate the seizure focus?

A month ago, I would have been wild with joy to be in these shoes. Now, I am just sick with worry. A lot of time and inconvenience and prayer has been invested in these ten days at Children’s. A lot of money will be, too.

And what if she doesn’t seize?

(Okay, maybe a miracle did happen, maybe the seizures are gone, her epilepsy healed—I’m not discounting this as a possibility. But the not knowing eats at me.)

I’m trying to throw my worries on the Lord, but I have a terrible arm. I crave your help.

Pray for us.

Pray that Tarica would seize enough to give the doctors the needed information. Pray that her mind and spirit would be calm even if her brain isn’t.

Pray for Linford and me, that we would be strong and that our faith would not waver. Pray that I will be able to eat and sleep.

Pray for safe travels as Linford drives back and forth between his divided family.

Pray for the doctors, that they would have wisdom and discernment.

Pray a blessing on those sacrificing to help us.

Pray as the Lord leads you.

Pray His will be done.


Family Photo Closeup

Several postscripts:

The photo above was taken this past weekend by a talented friend, bless her heart. She did a fabulous job with limited resources and time. (Jenica is seven; Tarica is five; Micah is twenty months. Dad and Mom are not as young as they used to be.)

I don’t know if I’ll be able to post updates while at the hospital. It all depends on… everything. Sometimes it’s difficult to write of an event while in the middle of it. Also, if Tarica goes ballistic, I’ll need to concentrate on her.

And thank you for praying. It’s not from lack of prayers that I feel anxious; it is my own weakness.

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. (Joshua 1:9)

16 thoughts on “Throwing Like a Girl

  1. What a beautiful family!
    Stephanie, I have lifted your family up in prayer this morning(actually on my way home from taking my son to school) and will continue to do so many times throughout the day and the next 10 days. Thank you for giving specific prayer requests. Just know that I am praying and my thoughts are with everyone in your family and the doctors.

    God is Good all the time, all the time God is Good!

  2. Stephanie, our prayers are with your family this week! A number of weeks ago, when I was praying at bedtime with our 5 and 2 year olds, we prayed for Tarica. C doesn’t speak very clearly, but he asked, “Who Tarica?” when S prayed for her. I explained as best I could, and now he wants to “pray Tarica get better” every night. . .and so we do.
    May you feel God’s arms carrying you! I am praying He will do some very special things for you this week.

  3. Praying for you. Praying you will be wrapped in incredible peace that comes only from above. Praying the hospital stay goes far better than you could even wish for. Praying for your family as they are separated. I enjoyed seeing your family. It’s beautiful. Blessings, Jan

  4. Stephanie, we will be praying for you and yours!! How well I understand the pain of a divided family while one is in the hospital! It helped me to remember that Jesus is a Shepherd to the children and He will hold your loved ones when you can’t! May God hold you and under gird you with the strength you will need during the next 10 days!! God is a God of miracles and He is not limited in any way! Praying for miracles for you!!

  5. You will be in my prayers! We have been in the NICU with our tiny twin boys for 5 weeks now. It is an emotional roller coaster ride all the way, but thankfully none of the dips and dives are unexpected to our big God! We too thank Him for kind friends and family who step in to care for our 28 month old while we must be separated. God doesn’t promise us an easy road, but He promises to carry our load…if we cast it on Him! Thanks for the reminder… Love and prayers.

  6. Praying for you in this time of trusting in God to guide the doctors & pray that He would work everything out to show you the way on this journey with epilepsy. May God give you strength & a calmness of mind as you lean on Him through these days that look so overwhelming to our human mind! May the God of peace be with you!

  7. Praying for you!!!!! You have a beautiful family. Seems like yesterday that I was training you in at the office. 🙂 Now you have 3 darling children and my oldest is almost 14. Time has a way of flying. I’m grateful that God doesn’t fly by us but that He cares for and about the things we face.

  8. will soon be 5 years since our 2yr old son was in JH…definately know the fear and stress that goes with trama and little children…god was and is faithful! we will be praying for you!

  9. Your uncertianty is not an abnormal feeling. God will go before you and be with you! Your daughter and family, are in the palm of His hand.
    Praying with much intrest.

    Diane Histand

  10. Peace, and God’s richest blessings be yours Stephanie. We are praying for answers for your family this week. And ultimately, Terica’s complete healing.

  11. Pingback: A Sneak Peek at the Ending | Stephanie J. Leinbach

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